i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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