so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
