maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
