the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
