I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
