I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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