Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
