If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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