I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
