They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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