i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
