I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
