His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
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She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
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Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize