Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
