i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
