this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
