Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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