Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He has the fingertips of a God
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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