2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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