If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
