Don't make out with my wife yet
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
