my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?