If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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