My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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