Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
