I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Randomize