85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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