I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
