I want to have your abortion
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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