I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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