She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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