You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
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Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
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the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just gargled with NyQuil
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.