Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.