she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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