at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
