Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
whose parrot is this?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
