Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
