How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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