Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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