By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
