Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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