Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
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The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
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we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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