i just wanna soil my oats bro
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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