You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
