Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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