Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
