I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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