My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
two words: eviction party
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
