question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
