last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
