by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
