U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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