i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Randomize
