Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
