If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
