remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
